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        I guess: I love the feeling that arises after emotional loss: I guess: it means: to be sentimental
- I often write about it in poems - I find it beautiful: but probably: like most exhibitionists:  I am not
very capable of the deepest feelings.
        It probably happened to me sometime: when I was seven years old: my mother became ill: and went to
Velké Leváre: and: never returned. :The woman: who then: a few months later: sat on the wood:       in the
garden and smoked: she was no longer her: it was devastating: she didn't come to me right away: she didn't
go looking for me: and hugging me - she went to smoke: I had to look for her! ...    (in that self-pitying
pain is such a wonderful free beauty: that: actually nobody: can't blame me for my poor destruction:    at
all: oh: I'm not to blame! here is the proof! no! don't ask for anything from me: see: you can't!  I'm not
responsible!)
        So: I guess: I am not capable of the highest feelings: my brain can somehow stop it:   as a threat
and will divert it: to survive: but: suffering greatly disturbs me: and:   if anyone should suffer for me:
and therefore: I'm good: not because:  I'm afraid of my eternal soul: so: even though: I do not believe in
God: I'm not allowed everything dear believers: it certainly doesn't open up possibilities for me:  how to
grab: the largest piece of meat for myself: as if you might think: you my God-fearing rigiders.     :To be
good: I don't need any thunderous voice from above: you're more primitive in this - forgive me   - even if
you're very angry about it: because you like to see yourself: as the last highest stage.
       I guess: since then: when Mom left into the echo: and then: she didn't return from there:       but
another woman: ever since: I missed her: or: some hungry safe and embracing love: I guess:  I've felt like
an unloved: and: unwanted child ever since: and: because of this:       I tried for a long time to satisfy
everyone: and cause: to love me: I guess: I still struggle with it ↑